I didn't want to wake up. Every night I went to sleep overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, wondering if this would ever be over. I didn't want to wake up in a world where I can't be free, where I can't spread my wings and let my soul fly. This...my life? It was no life. I was an object, something expendable and disposable, as were the rest of us. The funny thing is, deep down I knew we weren't expendable, for the world needed us to create the future...to create life! The "expendable" tag we had was given to us by our Lords. Yes, that's what we had to call them. "You are nothing! Your sole purpose is to serve Gillead, the best world that has ever existed!". This is the only dialogue our Lords had with us. And I have to say, it was more than enough...
We all had to stick together to deal with the pain, both physical and mental, the handmaids, I mean. Some of us were stronger than others. I can say I was one of the stronger ones, because I wouldn't let myself get brainwashed by all the murmurs and screaming and physical abuse we had to endure. Ofbrad, though, had broken a while ago, and wouldn't leave her room except for her abominable duties. Ofjohn was always frantic, almost galloping around the house. It must have been her way to keep her mind busy.
As for myself...I'd try to cling on every memory I had of my previous life. I cherished and felt every single thing I could. My favorite place in the house was the back yard...the chirping of birds, the soft breeze blowing gently through my skin, the comforting smell of fresh grass. These feelings were so familiar to me, they reminded me of happiness.
And family...Oh, I miss them so much! I had a husband and a son and I was theirs, no one else's. But after this new regime started, I was forced to forget about them and focus on my new task...no, my new obligation: breeding. In a logical way I have lots of children, I shouldn't miss just one of them. But he's the one I love, the one who was born from love. He was mine, and I was his.
This intense longing to be with them was killing me from the inside, but it was keeping me alive and sane at the same time. I had to get out of that house as fast as I could! I just couldn't take it anymore...so one foggy day I decided to get to work. The Lord and his family were having dinner; I found a way to distract the guards for a while, using a radio to create a small explosion in the west end of the house. I ran for it, got to the barbed wire fence and tried to climb it. It was tearing my skin, the pain was excrutiating. The guards had heard me! They came back, running desperately like wolves chasing a prey. And that's exactly what I was. The four armed men pulled me back and threw me on the floor. Then I knew it was the end; they beat me to death. I had offered myself to Death, just like that...but, in reality, I didn't want to live in a world where I couldn't live.
We all had to stick together to deal with the pain, both physical and mental, the handmaids, I mean. Some of us were stronger than others. I can say I was one of the stronger ones, because I wouldn't let myself get brainwashed by all the murmurs and screaming and physical abuse we had to endure. Ofbrad, though, had broken a while ago, and wouldn't leave her room except for her abominable duties. Ofjohn was always frantic, almost galloping around the house. It must have been her way to keep her mind busy.
As for myself...I'd try to cling on every memory I had of my previous life. I cherished and felt every single thing I could. My favorite place in the house was the back yard...the chirping of birds, the soft breeze blowing gently through my skin, the comforting smell of fresh grass. These feelings were so familiar to me, they reminded me of happiness.
And family...Oh, I miss them so much! I had a husband and a son and I was theirs, no one else's. But after this new regime started, I was forced to forget about them and focus on my new task...no, my new obligation: breeding. In a logical way I have lots of children, I shouldn't miss just one of them. But he's the one I love, the one who was born from love. He was mine, and I was his.
This intense longing to be with them was killing me from the inside, but it was keeping me alive and sane at the same time. I had to get out of that house as fast as I could! I just couldn't take it anymore...so one foggy day I decided to get to work. The Lord and his family were having dinner; I found a way to distract the guards for a while, using a radio to create a small explosion in the west end of the house. I ran for it, got to the barbed wire fence and tried to climb it. It was tearing my skin, the pain was excrutiating. The guards had heard me! They came back, running desperately like wolves chasing a prey. And that's exactly what I was. The four armed men pulled me back and threw me on the floor. Then I knew it was the end; they beat me to death. I had offered myself to Death, just like that...but, in reality, I didn't want to live in a world where I couldn't live.
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